Sleepy Mamas

My husband has the patience of a saint, a saint who’s just been on a course about patience and recently got back from a week long retreat at a health spa. Getting through a period of reduced sleep requires an enormous amount of patience, teamwork, and the ability to forgive almost constantly; forgive yourself, forgive your child(ren), and forgive your other half. I hope some of these ideas will help!

Sometimes it can feel like you haven’t spoken to your partner in weeks and the distance between you is alarmingly wide, or you are constantly under each other’s feet and sick of the sight of each other. Whatever way you look at it, whatever way sleep is affecting your family dynamics right now, it’s safe to say that everything feels out of balance. It’s difficult to know how to ask for help and it’s difficult to know how to provide it. So here are some ideas for both of you which may help to regain that balance, and above all else keep you sticking together!

For Partners…

You’re loved one is having a hard time. You’re loved one may not look, sound, or seem like themselves. Your loved one is most likely feeling stretched, pushed, pulled, pressured, challenged, and all-around intensely uncomfortable, perhaps even desperate or unwell. This is such a hard thing for you to witness, and I know that if you could take this whole thing away from them or carry it yourself, you would. Please don’t despair. This is only temporary, and though times are desperate now it won’t last forever. Until you find a solution, you need to help them and they won’t always know how to ask for it. You also need to help yourself – if you don’t look after yourself too, things really will get rough as they are leaning on you during this difficult time whether they realize it or not. If you’re not in a position to carry the burden for your partner for a while, (such as sleep deprivation caused by nausea in pregnancy) then the best thing you can do for them is listen, encourage, and facilitate anything they need to succeed, then go and take a break yourself. Below are some suggestions for practical and emotional support.

Your partner has so much strength, and you should believe in their ability to get through this difficult time, however, if you think they are in need of medical attention as a result of their lack of sleep, be it for their physical or mental well-being, call your GP together immediately and talk to them about what is going on. You may be able to see this situation with a certain clarity that your partner does not have currently as they are so tired. You may say something to your partner like, ‘I’ve noticed that our issue with sleep is having an impact on you physically and mentally. You are doing incredibly well to manage this independently, however, I think it would be best for us, best for you, and best for our family if we reached out to our GP today so that we can get some more help. I love you so much and I want to you be as comfortable as possible.’

Charities which may also be able to help include…

Home

https://www.cry-sis.org.uk/

Home

Emotional support…

1. Ask them what they need. Tea? Breakfast? A cuddle? Space? Let your partner know you are all ears and ready to help them in whatever way they want you to. If they start talking about their struggle, you may be wise to ask if they are looking for solutions or just to be heard. Sometimes it’s hard when people are trying to fix your problem when all you want to do is vent, then move on. ‘Hello my love, what do you need. I know you’ve had another rough night, how can I help you to achieve today?’ ‘How can I be here for you at this moment? Would it help to start brainstorming ideas, or would you just like me to listen?’
2. Tell them how well they’re doing. Acknowledging both their struggle and their strength is incredibly soothing. ‘I can only imagine how hard this is for you at the moment. You are incredibly brave and are doing such a great job.’
3. Say nothing, just hold them. If they cry, don’t tell them to stop, just hold them gently and let them know they are safe with you. Sometimes there are no words that can help, and the best thing is simply a big hug. ‘It’s ok to cry. Cry all you need to. You’re safe here. I’m with you. You’re not alone.’
4. Treats. Shower them with their favorite things. Whether it’s food, trips out, a foot rub in front of their favorite programs or inviting a friend or family member over, bringing their favorite things close to within their reach will help provide comfort.
5. Encourage your partner to reach out. One of the hardest things to do is ask for help; with it comes feelings of failure, embarrassment, fear, dread, and anger (among others!) regularly reminding your partner that their nearest and dearest friends and family are there to support them is a really good way of facilitating their success.

Practical support…

1. Be with them in their hardest times at night. The night can feel like such a lonely and desperate time when you’re not able to sleep. If you can be there for some of that struggle it’s very comforting to feel like you’re not alone.
2. Feed them. Making meals is invaluable support. Cooking is sometimes a nice distraction, but more often than not an arduous job that requires more brain power than your partner has to spare. Feeding them their favorite, wholesome and delicious dinners will really help.
3. Do anything you can around the house, but encourage them to keep up with whatever is their ‘normal’. Whilst it’s important to have rest during a period of struggle, it’s also important to keep going. Take as much work from your partner as possible, but encourage them to stay active and engaged with their world as much as possible too.
4. Organize outings. When you have some time together, have some suggestions for how to use this time. Picking between options is a lot easier than coming up with them.
5. Let friends and family know what is going on. In a supportive and respectful way, you can let very close family and friends know that you’re having a really difficult time at the moment and why. If you have a newborn, it would be a useful thing to tell people when to come and when to leave so that your partner just has to see them and not negotiate logistics. You might say or message something like ‘I wanted to reach out to let you know that we’re having a really difficult time at the moment as our struggle with (insert issue here! for us it was nausea, then postpartum mental health) is impacting our sleep. Lack of sleep has made everything very challenging and it’s a really delicate time for us right now. It would be lovely to see you on X date at X time for a cup of tea. for an hour or so’
6. Go with them to any medical appointments, advocate for them and help them to explain things. (if your partner wants you there too that is.) Talking to your partner about what they are hoping to get out of a medical appointment/what help they want to ask for or any concerns they want to express is incredibly helpful because when tired, your brain really struggles to come up with original thoughts. Remembering what you wanted to say, and then actually articulating it is quite hard on 2 hours of sleep. Write it down! Very gently mention anything your partner may have forgotten in a neutral way, not highlighting that they’ve forgotten. If you’ve noticed there was something you’re partner hasn’t said, you may say to your medical professional something like ‘It was important to us to understand more about…’ ‘Perhaps you can expand on this point about…’ ‘Something we’ve been having issues with is…’ Then your partner can take over to expand.
7. Look after yourself. If you don’t look after yourself, everything is doomed. It’s the most important item on this list. Take advantage of the time when someone else is supporting your loved one to recharge in whatever way you need to. Go for a walk, see your own friends, or sleep! Make sure you are getting the time you need too as this supportive role is exhausting in itself.
8. Make them laugh. Lack of sleep leaves you in a pretty dark and gloomy headspace. Getting your loved one to giggle in whatever way possible helps to lift them out of that darkness and into the present moment. Although it’s not possible to ‘make light’ of the situation, maintaining a sense of humour makes the journey much more comfortable! It also keeps you connected as a loving caring couple and not just a functional pair.
9. Talk about your own needs. It is really important that whilst providing all this support, you also are supported by your partner. Just because we’re sleep deprived doesn’t mean we’re incapable! We still want to hear how you feel and want to facilitate your success too.

On behalf of all the sleepy mamas out there; thank you lovely partners. You and everything you bring to the table is so helpful. Please keep going! And keep giving us cuddles too…