Sleepy Mamas

People tell you that when you get pregnant, you ‘bloom’ and ‘glow’. I think I bloomed and glowed in my pregnancy about as much as bin. I did however come to recognise that this was not nessesarily a bad thing, and although I wasn’t blooming or glowing like a delicate translucent tulip on a sunny spring sunrise as other pregnant women were, I was finding a degree of strength which I wasn’t aware I had, and the bottom of my barrel was much deeper than I ever thought it was.

I looked in the mirror, and the person looking back at me wasn’t just unfamiliar, she looked ill. I was only a few weeks postpartum, and I hadn’t looked at myself properly in a few days. It really stung to see how ragged I looked. This moment made me cry for all sorts of reasons; I missed the women I was used to seeing, not just my physical self but my emotional self too. I wanted to feel good about myself, proud of myself, and greet my reflection with gentle loving care. Instead, I felt fear, I felt hate, then I felt shame. How could I be so concerned with looks when I had a beautiful baby? How could I possibly loathe my body or myself, after all I’d achieved? What was I doing crying about the width of my waist or the shape of my legs when I had a brand new baby and a lovely husband to begin my family life with? Why didn’t I love the woman I was looking at?

I shall write a post on post-partum mental health in more depth, but it is perfectly normal for new mama’s to go through a whole rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions throughout their pregnancy and new motherhood. You should talk about all of these thoughts (however dark or bizarre) with your health visitor. They are there to protect you, guide you, and monitor both you and your baby in those early stages and beyond.

For me, the mama in the mirror was someone I needed to get to know. She wasn’t the same woman that was there before. Many women don’t feel this – they feel like themselves very quickly, or don’t feel the transformation from pregnancy to postpartum to ‘back to normal’ with intensity. I was part of a group of women who did not feel themselves for a long time after birth. It was only after speaking to my own lovely mama, that I realized what was truly happening to me. All I could see was what was lost; my shape, my spark, my smile, my confidence, my interests, my sense of humor, my strength. My mum told me that I hadn’t lost who I was before, she was still very much there, but she looked so different because of all the new things she had achieved. I had not lost, I had only gained, and I needed to explore what was me now rather than mourn what was me then.

It was helpful to look at myself with the understanding and acknowledgment that I didn’t just look different, I was different, and that was ok. I was a new version of myself, and wouldn’t ‘bounce back’ but I didn’t need to. I could bounce forward towards my new self. I was still her, just more of her. It was ok to feel unsettled and untethered and undone because I had just been through a massive experience.

1. When you look in the mirror, smile, even if you don’t feel happy – just as you would do anyone you make eye contact with. Reassure yourself that you are beautiful inside and out.
2. Only wear clothes you love. Don’t wear them because of how they look, wear them because when you put them on you feel more like you. Spend time going through your clothes with someone close to you and choosing things that make you feel like you.
3. Ask yourself how you feel about EVERYTHING. Get to know how your opinions, ideas, reactions, beliefs, tastes, preferences, and boundaries have changed/are changing. Be delighted by the evolution and celebrate how you have grown. Write these things down if it would help.
4. Say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ as much as possible. Being defiant in your language helps keep you safe by setting good boundaries. ‘I don’t mind’ ‘maybe’ ‘whatever you want’ and ‘I’m not sure’ are confusing language choices. You might think this first, but follow it up with, ‘Wait, I can make a good choice on my own. It doesn’t matter what I choose, I’m allowed to change.’
5. Keep your self-talk kind and forgiving. Self-talk is the narrative in your own mind about yourself. It’s the ‘you are such an idiot!’ when you break a glass or the ‘you look disgusting’ when you catch a glimpse of your face after a workout. It requires discipline, but as much as you can keep this caring, accepting, positive and loving.
6. Have new experiences, or revisit things you loved before even if you don’t love them right now. It is really important to carve out time for yourself even if it’s not for very long. If you’re feeling extra vulnerable invite a close friend or family member to do something with you so that you feel loved and supported.
7. Cry whenever you need to, and don’t be frightened of it. It’s a natural part of coping with change. If you feel like its becoming difficult to control or affecting your everyday life, however, reach out to a medical professional immediately.
8. Try to behave towards yourself as you would towards anyone in your life that you love who is going through a hard time. Be gentle. Listen. Don’t judge. Forgive. Be patient.

Getting to know the mama in the mirror at whatever stage of pregnancy, postpartum or new motherhood is challenging. Seeing yourself when you havnt had any sleep in a few days can be harrowing! Not looking how you feel, or feeling different to how you look can also be extremly concerning, and not having good sleep will only highten this feeling of forboding. As much as you can, remember that you are not loosing yourself or diminishing as a result of this experience, however awful you feel. You are only growing in strength and charatcer, and will eventually come to a time where you can look back at this experience as something you went through, not something you are going through now.

You are wonderful, sleepy mama. Keep going!