Sleepy Mamas

During the worst points of our sleep deprivation journey, I considered 3 hours a night in 3 separate chunks a ‘good’ night. I found that beyond sleepy was tired, and beyond tired was shattered and beyond shattered was exhausted, and beyond exhausted was a new place that I don’t want to go back to anytime soon. It was like living in a waking dream, where everything felt just a tiny bit strange – my reflection, the shape of marshmallow, the sound of the radio, all distorted or disconnected from itself in some way. I didn’t feel that heavy weight of sleepiness in this place, I felt like I had switched to auxillary power, my skin felt like it was vibrating, my eyes felt like they didn’t have lids, and my brain? My brain felt like the door was just slightly ajar. It felt like I was a living cliche, strapped to a merry-go-round with leather belts, lights glaring, with a half obscured, insane woodland creature playing an out of tune organ smoking a pipe… (You get the picture. I’m trying to make light of it, but it was a really weird place.)

Night times were just day times without sun. My baby would wake so often, that by the time I had comforted her, then settled myself, it would be less than 30 mins before she was awake again. Whatever chemical woke up my cave women ancestors when there was a saber tooth tiger near the family den, was definitely prominent in me! Sometimes I lay in the bed for hours, knowing I needed to sleep, but being simply unable to. If this is your current experience, I am so sorry and I’m sending a giant hug. Insomnia is a particularly cruel side effect of sleep deprivation, but with so much cortisol in our bodies to keep us awake in the day, it’s no wonder that the nights would be distrupted. I remember one night in particular where I didn’t fall asleep until 5am, but that wasn’t before I’d fallen down a Google rabbit hole about baby sleep issues and terrified myself into thinking my daughter had a heart condition, fed my child 7 times, had 4 wees, gone downstairs twice for snacks, had about 10 existential crisis and gone downstairs a third time for and hour and a half to cry in the living room so not to wake everyone up. I eventually woke my husband at about 430 (who, bless him, was extremely confused at what time it was, why I was crying, and generally what on earth was going on) and I explained the night-day I’d had. He listened and cuddled me, told me next time to wake him sooner, and then I eventually fell asleep after the baby woke up and he took her downstairs. Here are a few ideas for how to cope in these situations. Some ideas are for getting you back towards sleep, and other ideas are just how to pass the time positively, and not allowing disruptive, hurtful or anxious thoughts to dominate.

1. Make your sleeping area as comfortable and cosy as possible, so even if you can’t sleep, you can rest and care for yourself. You could invest in (or dig out from the cupboard) some super soft socks, some comfortable cotton pajamas, some hand cream, a nice lip balm, some tasty cereal bars, a new pillow, a silk pillow case, some lavender pillow spray, a new duvet and set, a notepad and pen and a few good books. When you wake up and find yourself unable to drift off again, try not to become anxious about how much sleep you have or haven’t had, but breath deeply and begin a little routine to reset your sleep area. Try not to focus on falling asleep straight away, but initially on just how comfortable you can make yourself. When you feel a bit calmer you can try closing your eyes again. In the mean time whilst you are awake, you will still feel rested and like you’ve spent some time caring for yourself. I used to keep a few of these things in a little basket by the bed.

2. Look out the window. I know this suggestion seems bizarre, but when I am awake and just lying in the dark, my mind can be a little untamed at times, and I can easily drift towards upsetting thoughts I don’t want to listen to but also don’t have the mental strength to silence. If I look out the window (for grounding techniques see my post on intrusive thoughts) I find I can bring myself towards a more calm and restful mental space.

3. Books. I have to be honest, this is an aspirational suggestion. I spend a lot of time co-sleeping with a very light sleeper, so this isn’t practical for me in her room, but books are a time honoured method for winding down and if you are able to read with a very dim light on without disturbing anyone, then fantastic. I tend to become a little stimulated with fiction – I love to read but if the aim is going to sleep or winding down, then I’m looking for something simple and preferably non-fiction. Try poetry, infographics or recipie books; all of these are episodic and easy to pick up and put down. This may not float your boat, but worth a try!

4. The song name game. Think of song begining with ‘A’ then ‘B’ the ‘C’ (you get the idea) until you’ve made your way through the alphabet. When you’ve finished, go back to the start and try again.

5. Grounding. I am about to work in short simple sentences for clarity and ease, but also because if you want to try and remember some of this in preparation for your next 230am ‘why-the-hell-can’t-I-fall-back-to-sleep-again’ session, it will be easier to remember.

Lay down in your bed. Uncross your legs and place your arms flat by your side. Let your breath fall gently in and out. Notice the soft fabric against on your skin. Touch the sheets with your finger tips. Wiggle your toes inside your socks. Observe the dark silence. What, if anything, do you hear, see, and smell? Working from your feet to your forehead, gently tense then release every muscle large and small. When you have finished, repeat the process, but slower. You can keep circulating through this little routine for as long as you want, then end your grounding by listening to your breath. Don’t try to count or affect it in any way, but enjoy the sensation and that gentle rhythm for as long as you can.

6. Start your day. Depending on what time it is, if you really can’t drift off, get comfortable, stop the bee storm of intrusive thoughts or are just absolutely sick to the back teeth of laying where you are, then get up and crack on. Obviously your number one goal is to try and rest even if you can’t sleep, but if your not managing to rest either, then rather than torturing yourself in the dark, get up, put your joggers on, make a cup of tea and write a bunch of lists. Write down whatever thoughts are circulating in your mind however disconnected or strange. This would also be the day that I recommend you call your health visitor. If you’ve got to the point where you are so disrupted by this situation that you can’t even relax in bed, it’s time to seek support. At the end of most of my posts I encourage you to reach out and seek support, and that’s because it is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Trying to live with sleep deprivation is absolutely incapacitating and speaking to others is a great first step in getting help. Again I’m so sorry if your reading this because you can’t sleep. You are wonderful, sleepy Mama, and doing so brilliantly. You are such a fantastic mummy and so incredibly strong for getting through this tough period, which will not last forever. I promise xxx