Sleepy Mamas

The Sleepy Mamas Blog is about how to cope during periods of prolonged sleep deprivation. Mental health challenges as a result of significantly disturbed sleep is inevitable, especially during pregnancy, postpartum and early parenthood. When looking for support during these challenges within pregnancy and postpartum, wherever you turn, you are encouraged to ‘reach out’ to ‘open up’ to ‘share with those you love and trust’ but knowing how to do that practically is often difficult. When I felt at my lowest, although I could see reaching out was an important thing to do, I found it incredibly difficult to know how to open up as there was so much going on in my mind and I didn’t know where to begin. I also found it very hard to answer certain questions like ‘how are you’ or ‘ are you ok’ without crying. I wanted to share my vulnerabilities but I didn’t want to be vulnerable whilst doing it. I used to write in metaphors a lot as a way of trying to articulate what I was experiencing, and sharing my feelings with myself. Over time and with support I came to understand why this was happening and learnt how to navigate these painful conversations.

Here are a few tips for those who are trying to reach out, but not sure how to do so.

1. Tread extremely carefully. If you can sense something isn’t right with a person that you love, allow them privacy within your investigation. Saying ‘I know you’re not telling me something’ or ‘Yes, but how are you really’ or ‘You look like you need to talk’ can be incredibly invasive to someone who is using all their strength to stay presentable so they can access their life. Although well meaning, these phrases can be like kicking away a person’s crutch. If someone doesn’t want to talk, please don’t push them. When someone breaks down in tears, it may not be the cathartic and necessary process of release you imagined, but rather to them would feel like a failure, a humiliation and a huge set back. Use phrases which relax and encourage rather than intrude. ‘You always brighten my day.’ ‘I love hearing your news’ or something less general that allows a specific focus like ‘what have you been up to today?’

2. If you do want to be more direct, talk in statements so they dont have to open up if they don’t want to. Perhaps something like ‘I can only imagine the hardship you are experiencing at the moment, and whilst I know you are capable of managing on your own, please know that I am here for you if it would help you to share something of what’s happening.’ A statement rather than a question allows for a person to remain closed if that’s what’s best for them. It might help them to take a step toward you. They might open up just at a different time. A question can be intimidating to someone holding back a lot of tears.

3. Talk to their closest friend or partner. If you are really worried about someone and you’ve noticed a clear change in their usual behaviour, but you’re not able to help them directly, talk to their closest friends or the partner. This of course depends on how close you are, but sharing your observations on what changes you’ve noticed and your keenness to support in whatever way is best for them might help shine light on how to move forward. You could try ‘I really care about … and I’ve noticed recently they’re behaving differently. I’ve noticed they’re more distant, less bright, they’re finding it hard to engage, having difficulty being social, and I wondered what you’d notice too?’

4. Be an antidote. Sometimes a safe space is a place where someone can open up, and sometimes a safe space is a place where they know they don’t need to open up. If you’ve provided an opportunity for someone to share and they don’t want to or aren’t able to, then help provide a place away from their struggle. Help them to forget what’s going on in positive ways with positive experiences.

5. Step back. If someone isn’t opening up it might be because they’re not ready to.

For those who are not sure how to reach out or don’t want help right now, here are some tips for how to facilitate support for yourself without feeling even more vulnerable.

1. Seek support from a proffessional. There are a variety of support networks available to parents with mental health challenges as a result of their experiences, and it doesnt matter how many years have passed on what number child you are on. Begin with either your health visitor or your GP explaining you are struggling in lots of ways, are finding it hard to access your life and relationships, and have noticed a significant change in your thoughts and behaviours and they will help you find the right support. You don’t have to share that youve begun his process with all your closest loved ones, but its probably best to share with one person you trust as it will help them to help you. Its important to seek help from a professional about your mental health challenges in the same way you would go to a physio if you hurt your back. You cant expect yourself or those around you to fix the problem as it might need specific therapy or medication.

2. Move. Whether its going for a walk, cleaning out a cuboard, dancing in the kitchen with your little one or doing a Youtube work out, moving your body even a little will help distract your mind and refocus it to something positive. Keep your body busy, and by releasing negative energy and replacing it with an all together better chemical cocktail, you will not magically fix the problem but you will be able to distance yourself from it in a healthy, constructive way  for a short time.

3. Soothe your senses. Whatever you are going through, when the body is in an altered state it is common for a person to become charged with a set of quite primitive survival insticts. In a state of relaxation our minds are able to percieve life in a balanced way, but whilst under intense pressure this process can become very distorted. Soothing your senses through grounding work can help loosen that hightened state, and reassure your body and mind that whilst you are struggling, in this present moment you are safe. Smelling pleasant perfume, touching something textured, focusing on a detail in your close vacinity, listening to a moment of music or sound effects if music is too emotionally stimulating, tasting a strong flavour or simply breathing 4 seconds in, 4 seconds out, can bring your mind to the present and help you refocus.

4. Describe your mental health challenge in similar terms to a physical birth injury. Mental health challenges can be hard to talk about because they can be esoteric, confusing, subjective, difficult to describe and deeply personal. It can feel like a significant identity/personality shift and very sensitive to explore. It really helped me to refer to my challenges like I would do a physical birth injury, and it helped my husband and I to separate me from the anxiety so we could tackle it together, not that I had just changed into a different person and didnt know how to change back. Phrases like ‘I’m having a bit of a flare up/set back’ ‘somethings triggered my anxiety but I didnt notice when’ ‘Id really like to do that but I need to work up to it; I’m not quite there yet’ or ‘Would you be able to give me a hand, I’m a bit sore today’ were all useful.

There is no easy way to open up. I once described to my best friend that I didnt want to open up to her in the same way as I would never want to be sick all over her. I had so much unpleasentness in my head that I just didnt want anyone else to see it or know about it I just wanted to try and get rid of it in private. I found a horrible feeling of judgement around my mental health challenges; not from anyone else, but from myself! I beleived others would judge me or my ability to parent and the weight of what others would think of me if I opened up became enormous. As time has gone by (time which I am trying to save you by sharing all of this!) Is that your best friends, your partners, your parents your siblings – anyone who knows you and loves you, doesnt judge you for a mental health related birth injury any more than they would judge a physical one. Its not a reflection of you or your strength or abilities, its just a natural (but rubbish) part of dealing with parenthood. They dont care about the ‘sick’ they just want to help you get better. And allowing someone you trust to help you get better, and getting some help from proffessionals means you can feel yourself again a lot sooner. So save yourself a good few months of trying to navigate things alone and share how you’re feeling with someone you trust. Whether its a phone call, over a cuppa, in a text, the important thing is just to try your best to share.

xxx