Sleepy Mamas

For as long as I can remember I’ve been told I’m too nice, too shy, too accommodating, and too sensitive. The handful of people in my trust circle might beg to differ, as they are often on the pointed end of my sharper traits, but out and about in the big bad world I’ve always felt a push to be more of what I’m not, rather than to be more than what I am. Like a lot of introverts, for my whole life I’ve ended up in situations where I’ve felt like it was my responsibility to fit into the world and adjust these apparently incorrect traits to accommodate the extroverts around me. To be more like others and less like me. To share more, dare more and give more than I apparently do. Speak up! Too slow! Come on! Cheer up! Follow your dreams! Realise your goals! Stand up for yourself! Go big or go home! Etc, etc, etc. Very rarely do you hear in life, work or education; ‘look at so-and-so, how they’re quietly enjoying time in their quality world without loudly pressing their whole being on others around them, observing what’s going on and internalising it neatly. Be more like them – more peaceful, more calm, less loud, less you.’ Improvement as an individual is often linked with an ‘improvement’ in social presentation, or the ability to fit in. One of the most impactful insights I have read from Brene Brown the renowned researcher, professor storyteller and writer, is that the process of ‘fitting in’ and ‘belonging’ are opposites. To ‘fit in’ is to deny yourself and your unique traits for the benefit of group you wish to be accepted by, a group of similar beings who eventually accept you for who you appear to be, whereas to achieve belonging is where the very traits you might have denied, are embraced and revered and adored by a eclectic group who love you and eachother for who you authentically are, warts and all regardless of if they are the same as you. Only on one of these paths can an introvert feel truly connected to others and at home.

I have always found life to be a jellyfish pool of social validation, unable to stop comparison, judgement of self and others, and the fear of having to survive on my own. As I grow older I am beginning to understand why this is, and the difference between what it is to fit in and what it is to belong. I am also understanding how many introverts end up fearing this time alone even though it is their natural defult, not because they are lonely or unhappy, but because of a kind of masking burnout, where throughout a lifetime of subtle messaging which informs them they must ‘be more’ they have learnt to portray rather than be truthful (an expensive activity for an introvert when it comes to personal energy resources) and they end up exhausting themselves and getting thoroughly confused about where the mask begins and ends.

I’m here to remind you that you only need to be who and what you are; you don’t need to try and fit in to the world because you already belong to those who love you. This handful of people (and it is a handful which might be a sore process of discovery) together hold the meaningful opinions and observations on you or your work or life that are worth listening to. The others in your world might be able to comment on how you could do better fitting in, but won’t be able to see what makes you you – you’ve unconsciously hidden this essence from them during your quest to find your way home, so they cannot comment on what matters.

Those who are introverted tend to have an incredibly rich, complicated and vast inner life, which can be hard to personally navigate embrace and understand, let alone a place you can invite others into, and as such it is often difficult for creative introverts especially, to pin down an identity, not just for themselves, but to present to the world too. When you spend so much time with yourself, it is incredibly important to be able to connect with who you are, so you can also successfully connect with others. Looking back on my life and career, I can see where I have strived for this connection and dipped in and out of ‘fitting in’ and ‘belonging’. I can see moments of authenticity next to times I was a character cast in the movie of life – a character developed to be relatable, likeable, desirable and someone people would like to follow. It wasn’t the same as times I was just busy being me.

Let me iron out a few truths for creative introverts. You are not too sensitive, your hypersensitivity gives you huge capacity to feel. Although sometimes painful, this capacity is a privilege. Your ability to observe and read the people and feelings around you and make predictions about what’s happening under the surface does not make you crazy or witchy or weird, it means you are picking up signals that others can’t, and you have great capacity for emotional physical and spiritual insight; another privilege. Your patience and emotional generosity doesn’t make you a door mat, you do not need to harden yourself or as a colleague once lovingly described it ‘ice queen’ yourself, (although at times this is a good mode of protection) these traits make you an absolute treasure to whoever is lucky enough to find you. It is just important to learn as early on in life as you can to discern who deserves this gift and who does not. It is an incredibly expensive gift for you to share, and takes a long time to replenish once fully spent. Your desire for peace and seclusion? Your craving to go home, constantly? Your secret delight at a canceled plan? Your exhaustion after spending time with a large group? You are not shy, lazy or depressed, you just have discerning taste, as sometimes the only person you need to spend time with is you. It is important to see others of course, as they need you as much as you need them, but don’t confuse or berate yourself as to why it’s hard to get up and go anywhere. It’s because being with others, holding their space, sharing your own, whether with those you love the most or those you’ve only just met – it’s all tiering.

So how to be more, rather than less, you? Enjoy yourself! As in, enjoy being you. You might exhaust yourself at times, but living in your rich mind is something no one else can experience, it’s all for you, and it is a beautiful place to be.

1. Let your mind off the leash

Don’t be afraid of your creativity and give your mind time and space to imagine and explore a life beyond your own; creativity is a survival trait as well as a skill. However intimidating some of those imaginative thoughts can be, true creativity is not about producing ideas but living by them. By exploring what could be, however wild, we learn more about what is here and now. By letting your creativity escape, it can also come back, often with helpful insight.

2. Over share by all means, but only to yourself or those in your trust circle.

I have definitely fallen into the trap of ‘opening up’ in a futile attempt to fit in. Being open does not have to include sharing all of your thoughts to all people. Being open is also not wrong, it is in fact extremely important in staying healthy, but sharing parts of your inner world only to those who love you will prevent you from feeling exhausted and over vulnerable. You may also find writing to yourself helpful. Note down the things troubling you or hurting you in a letter format then read it back a few days later. If you can, reply to it kindly and gently; it might help you help yourself through some of those troubling things.

3. Embrace your mind through your wardrobe

The clothes we wear express who we are and what we are feeling whether we want them to or not. Rather than thinking of what they look like outwardly, start by finding clothes you enjoy putting on or that have significance to you in some way; things which set off a happy vibration when you put them on. Forget everyone else, it’s a way for you to have fun.

4. Trap your haters in a book

Careful, or you’ll end up in my next novel.

5. Practice assertive silence

The extroverted world tells us to talk more and talk louder, but sometimes the opposite is more powerful and empowering. As my lovely mum taught me (but I am still practising) sometimes if you feel uncomfortable or pressured, or when you are just putting forward your preference, all you need to do is say ‘no.’ You don’t need to add ‘thank you’ just ‘no’ is plenty. You owe no one an explanation, justification, reason or apology.

7. Allow different colours to shine on different days

There is a great pressure on all people to ‘be’ something or someone and then stay in lane. Often in small talk we begin with ‘what do you do for work?’ as if this defines a person’s entire being. We rarely ask ‘what do you do when you’re not working’. Our lives on social media often focus around an aesthetic, a type, a vibe, and leaves no room for expansive existence or enjoying the variety of flavours or colours within ourselves. Maybe some days we look like a clean girl working in finance on her way to a brunch date, but the next day we might look like a messy volunteer in a muddy field on her way to see her grandad, but it’s not ‘acceptable’ to place these side by side. It would spoil the aesthetic. It wouldn’t in keep with our personal brand. Throw this out the window and be all colours of yourself all through the week.

It can be difficult to live in a world that wants all of you and none of you simultaneously, that in one way feels connected but in another way has never been more dangerously individualistic, that claims to be a safe place for differences to be embraced, but in reality is a place which only holds space for the pristine, culturally fashionable and socially palatable. The reality is people are messy and multifaceted and change all the time. We grow. A thought or opinion you held last month might have developed since then. It can be difficult to be you, especially if you are introverted, however just remember, you don’t need to change and you are not too shy, you are simply a verbal minimalist.